Guest Artist Blog... Mare Wakefield | Music City Unsigned Blog

It took hours. Pages and pages of multiple choice questions about my preferences, strengths, personality, etc. Upon completion, a computer I'd never even met before was going to analyze my answers and tell me what to be. This monstrous thing was called a "Career Aptitude Test." I took one when I was a freshman in college, and almost 20 years later, that beast is still haunting me.

Not surprisingly, a career "in the arts" came out on top. The computer couldn't tell the difference between music, painting, writing or acting so these all were tied for top placement. But the computer also listed a caveat for this kind of artsy, self-starter career: I scored low in "drive."

Fast forward through two college degrees and six years of being a semi-successful local and regional singer/songwriter. I had decided to go back to school to get a music degree and a troubled individual, who shall remain nameless, made some off-hand comment about how I must be lazy because here I was at the dottering old age of 29, and only now deciding to get a third degree.

Lazy. Low in drive. Obviously I didn't let a crazy person and a computer run my life or affect my decisions. But each of these comments stuck with me, and resonated with a secret fear buried deep inside. (Perhaps planted by some childhood comments my mother made--but let's just avoid that can of worms altogether, shall we?)

I wanted to get to the bottom of why these comments still bothered me so many years later. And I couldn't deny the fact that they disturbed me so much because I was afraid they might be right. Essentially, I have a fear of being lazy. Or rather, I have a fear that I am lazy.

This fear is fed by perceived failures (I haven't won a Grammy yet, have I?) and held at bay by stressful, frenzied orgies of work-sitting in front of the computer for hours and hours, booking tours or chasing publicity, telling myself again and again, "there, see, I'm NOT lazy."

But why is it only when I'm doing the work I absolutely HATE that I can push this fear away? I don't give myself that same validation when I'm exercising or cooking or cleaning the house or writing or playing guitar or doing any other tasks that are productive and fun. Only when I'm doing the stuff that makes me most miserable do I get the sense that I'm "really working" and therefore "not lazy."

Now, I know there have been armloads of books written on how creativity needs space, needs play. One of my favorites, The Artists' Way, advises hours of play and a weekly "artist's date" with yourself. And while it's often difficult in our nine-to-five world to give oneself permission to play, I feel that, for me, there is another piece to this self-acceptance puzzle.

Variety.

Maybe I'm not lazy or lacking in drive. Maybe it's just that I want variety in my life. I love yoga, but I don't know if I could drop everything and just do yoga 12 hours a day (though sometimes I think I could). I enjoy cooking but I don't want to open my own restaurant. I even enjoy housecleaning to a certain extent, but I certainly don't want to become a full-time maid. I enjoy a certain amount of yardwork, a fair bit of travel, and yes, writing songs and playing music. But what makes me happiest is a balance of all these things. I can have deficiencies or excesses and get off-kilter, but when there is balance in my work, in my activities, then I feel balanced in my heart and at peace in the world. There can certainly be too much computer work (and usually there is). There can be too much housework, too much cooking, too much exercise. And FOR ME, I guess there can even be too much music. I know people that live in their cars, touring and playing 300+ nights a year. I used to think this was the life I wanted, but I've never been able to take that leap. And perhaps that's not the leap I'm meant to take. I've certainly experienced periods of intense inspiration when I'm playing or writing songs for days on end. But when I emerge from these states (and I always do emerge) I like to do a little gardening, a little yoga, maybe bake something. Maybe even check my email.

So what if it's not a lack of drive that I have, but rather a desire for variety and a well-rounded life? The trick would be not only recognizing that, but giving myself permission to be this way. To be content with the way I am. Allow myself to be as I am. Sounds so simple. But it's taken me 35 years to even realize this is what I need to do. Hopefully it won't take another 35 to learn how to do it.
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[While learning how to "be as she is," Mare will be playing a CD release concert at Douglas Corner Café, Friday November 7th at 6pm. Featuring Nomad on bass and piano, Josh Fuson on drums and Dave Isaacs on guitar. Sponsored by Music City Unsigned. Y'all come!]

http://www.marewakefield.com
http://www.myspace.com/marewakefield

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